Saturday, February 18, 2012
I really just can't deal with humans anymore. It's really wearing on me. i don't know what to do. I'm getting really upset lately, i'm really desperate for money so i can accquire things i feel like i NEED. truth is, i don't NEED them, i know that in my heart. but i just want want want. I need to feel the empty spaces in my heart with material things simply because i'm missing the love i so desperately need. It really sucks that i know exactly where most of my hatred and self loathing comes from but i can't fix it because i'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not going to run off and get plastic surgery, im not that stupid, and everybody knows i dont have the money. I don't wear makeup, it won't make me prettier. And for fucks sake im not going around showing off my body so i can get a few more likes on my pics on fb. I'm not dropping to the levels of those girls. I want someone to just show me, yes i am pretty enough, yes im good enough. But i know it wont be soon. So for now, i'll have to fill my empty little space with material possessions in hopes of getting noticed, by someone, anyone. I need so much. but i know it's not need. want. I want money, a shit ton of money. i want to spend it on whatever i please! FUCK. i applied for a job. idfc if i stand on my feet all day so long as i get a pay check. Save up. Get into college, get the fuck out of this country. i need to go. I really hope i get this call that says "we've viewed your application, we'd like to have an interview" and dammit im scared out of my wits about it but i really want this in the end. When it comes down to it what i really need is my education, but with that i still need money, nothings free these days. I kind of wish that i had switched schools in the first place. Do i even have real friends? Probably not, I'm way too over protective of everything i like and i want no-one else to like what i like in fear of them knowing more than me, but im also really alone. I have this thing where, getting out of this country will help. idk if it really will. I can only hope so. I just want to win all the money in the world. My psych teacher said rich people arent happier than normal people. but i feel like things would change. i just need love i think. I really need that. I hate because i dont have. I get peeved because somebody has something i dont, a camera, a new phone, a boyfriend, a piece of jewelry. I want that hate to stop but it's so finely ingrained i dont know how i'll pull it out. I feel like only a therapist could help, but it all comes back to the money i simply don't have. Lots comes back to money, ande so the phrase, "more money more problems" but less money...still problems. fuck. just give me money until i can have love please, real love, not that stupid teenage shit, get pregnant in highschool baby daddy leaves you with your child . fuck that shit. I guess i'll have to wait because i'm not trying to throw my life away. I just want money & love. ugh. i guess i'll end it here.